It is officially Fall, and it’s time to get out the Halloween costumes, sweaters, fall décor, and pumpkin-flavors. However, before we get into all of the fun things that we usually associate with October, it is crucial that we consider the other messages that accompany the month. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM). As active, caring community members, we need to give this cause space to be recognized.
So, let’s start by defining domestic violence, as relationship abuse can appear in many different forms. The National Domestic Violence Hotline defines domestic violence as “a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship.” These behaviors can be a wide variety of actions, such as physical harm, intimidating/manipulating/controlling a partner, or forcing them to act in ways they don’t want to. These behaviors can materialize through “physical violence, threats, emotional abuse, or financial control” (NDVH). Usually, multiple types of abuse occur in an abusive relationship simultaneously. Below is a common list of these abusive behaviors, but it does not encapsulate all of them.
While these examples might be hard to read, especially if you have experienced them yourself, it is vital that you know the signs of relationship abuse. Domestic violence can occur at any age, and no one is exempt from the possibility of an abusive partner. Please take care of yourself while reading the list below and feel free to skip over it if you might be triggered. Keep in mind that it is necessary to be able to recognize abuse for the safety of your friends, family, and yourself.
- Pulling your hair, punching, slapping, kicking, biting, choking, or smothering you.
- Preventing you from eating, sleeping, drinking, or taking your prescription medication.
- Preventing you from contacting emergency services, such as medical attention or law enforcement.
- Attempting to control what you wear, including hairstyles, clothes, or makeup.
- Gaslighting you by pretending not to understand or refusing to listen to you.
- Threatening you, your family, friends, or pets. Threats in general.
- Damaging your belongings or the built environment around you (punching walls, kicking doors)
- Telling you that you’re lucky to be with them and that you’ll never find someone better.
Additional abuse behaviors can take the form of sexual abuse, financial abuse, or digital abuse. Please visit https://www.thehotline.org/resources/types-of-abuse/ for a more extensive list of abusive behaviors. Most importantly, remember to follow your gut. If you feel there is any action that your partner is taking in an attempt to gain power over you or control you, it could be considered abuse.
Now that we know what domestic abuse is and what it can often look like, let’s discuss how to help yourself, a friend, or a family member who might be in an abusive relationship.
If it’s happening to you:
- Start documenting any forms of relationship abuse (photos, doctor’s visits, phone calls, stalking, etc.). This will help you in the future should you need to defend yourself legally. Try to keep this away from your abusive partner to avoid intervention.
- Create your personal safety plan online, or visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline Website to think through the safety plan. Try to keep this plan in a safe space, or at least in the back of your mind, and always know the number of someone close to you that you or someone else can call in case of emergency.
- Remember that you know your situation better than anyone else – trust yourself and weigh your options before making any steps.
- Remember there is always someone to talk to. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24 hours a day at (1-800)-799-7233). You can also text “START” to 88788 for a live chat, available on the NDVH website 24/7.
If it’s happening to a friend or family member:
- Understand that there are a number of different reasons why someone might stay in an abusive relationship. Even if you do everything you can to help, they still might stay. Recognizing this is the first step in being able to offer a safe space for your friend/family member.
- Try having a conversation with your loved one. Tell them you’re concerned about them and that you are here to talk with them whenever/if they might want to. Listen non-judgmentally and be there for them regardless of whether or not they leave the relationship.
- Empower them to make their own decision about how to proceed, offer to create a safety plan with them, or simply spend time engaging in self-care activities with them, without any pressure to discuss the relationship.
Domestic violence does not discriminate. Individuals of any age, any gender or sexual orientation, any racial or ethnic group, any type of relationship, and in any way can experience relationship abuse. While relationship abuse is a hard thing to talk about, it is important that we take the time this month to recognize the signs and take action to stop the abuse. It is our hope that through this blog post, you might be able to spot an abusive partner in your own or others’ relationships and have a few concrete action steps to take in the face of an abuser. It is important to check in with yourself, your family, friends, and other loved ones this October to raise awareness around domestic violence and give a voice to those who are being abused.
References and additional information:
https://www.nctsn.org/resources/public-awareness/national-domestic-violence-awareness-month
https://www.thehotline.org/support-others/ways-to-support-a-domestic-violence-survivor/
https://www.thehotline.org/support-others/why-people-stay-in-an-abusive-relationship/